Wedding Invitations

With people waiting longer until they get married- and second marriages becoming more common, it is quite possible that some brides and grooms will be financially well established by the time they wed.

That given the case, who should pay for the wedding, the bridge’s family, the groom, the bride and groom themselves- or should all direct parties work up some sort of expenses-split?

This overall issue was on the mind of a reader to Thelma Domenici’s column, which is syndicated by the Scripps Howard News Service.

Thelma’s response is both interesting and thoughtful- with some solid wedding etiquette common sense thrown in.

“The customary ways of dividing wedding costs — based more upon tradition springing out of necessity than etiquette — do not always fit the situation in today’s world,” Thelma writes. “Many couples marrying today are well-established wage earners and it’s very common for them to fund their own weddings. There should be no sense of impropriety surrounding the practice.

Thelma then makes a point that “Insisting upon reimbursing your son is not necessary and, according to your own words, may damage your relationship. You don’t want anything you choose to do to be viewed as a hollow gesture or a putdown. It’s important to follow your ‘heart sense’ in a decision like this. Accept his decision to take care of the costs on his own because you respect and love him. Don’t do something that will hurt him because you feel it’s “proper.”

Still, the parents- who may have the wedding-funding means themselves- don’t want to be left out.

Thelma has a suggestion for wedding etiquette in these cases.

“While dispensing with the monetary tradition, you shouldn’t be barred from participation in the planning and hosting of the event,” she writes. “Talk with your son about taking an active role in making the occasion special and handling other traditional roles filled by the father of the groom, like greeting guests as a host at the rehearsal dinner. You definitely should not be treated as a guest at your own son’s wedding, but as a participant in the joining of two families.”

And finally, a word to- and for- the wise.

“The independence of young people who have money is hard for some of us to accept when we focus instead on accepting one another’s intentions graciously, we find it possible to grow in love and respect,” she counsels.

“Like tradition respected out of love rather than obligation, good manners never go out of style.”

(Thelma Domenici, via Scripps-Howard News Service/Pittsburgh Post-Gazette